NTU CSA Charismatic Prayer Group

Two days ago, I listened to the voice recording of series of talks by Sr. Nancy Kellar, a nun from the United States. She came to Singapore a few years back to give talks with a various topics in a seminar, titled, “Expecting More of the Spirit”. She shared many very inspiring and reflective stories through her talks. One of them is about purification. It has really struck me personally, so let me share with you what Sr. Nancy said.

There is a story about a man who was shipwrecked. He was thrown upon a shore and all his belongings were gone. He managed to gather some woods to make a fire. He learnt to rub the stone together so that he could make the fire. He also built himself a hut with the woods that he gathered. And then, he went off hunting.

While he was off hunting, a strong wind blew up and the fire burned down the hut and burned everything that he had gathered into it. And so, when he came back, he sat on the shore in despair, saying, “God, how could you let that happened?” And then, while he was still sitting on the shore, he saw a ship coming from the ocean, and they come in, and they rescue him.

Then he said, “I don’t understand. How did you know I was here?” And they said, “Oh, we saw your smoke signals.”

So sometimes, the way God sends out smoke signals feels like He is burning down our hut and everything in it and stripping us. And it is the way He is actually calling us to go deeper into Him. We need to persevere through the times of purification.

We also need to learn the distinction between the light and the darkness theme in the Scripture. Sometimes we feel that there are contradictions in the Scripture. For example,

• Psalm 21 – Though I walk in the valley of darkness, I fear no evil.
• However, in John 8:12 – Anyone who follows me will not be walking in the darkness.

Doesn’t that sound like a contradiction? If we follow Him, shouldn’t we be free from darkness? I don’t need to walk in the valley of darkness, do I?

But it isn’t contradicting, if we understand what darkness and light actually mean.

• Darkness is everything that separates us from God.
• Light is everything that brings us closer to God.

Sometimes, what brings us closer to God is what appears to us to be darkness, that is times of trouble, sickness, persecution, or the loss of loved ones.
But the truth is, anything that brings us closer to God, is the light.

When I reflect back on my own experience, there have been many times in my life, when I asked God the same question that the man asked the Lord when the fire burnt his hut. Why did you put me in this difficult situation? Why didn’t you give me what I want? Why did you put me in the place that I don’t like? Why did you in the first place make me know the person whom in the end hurt me? Why did you let all the bad experience, the problems, the pain happened to me? I also often ask God, why He let my friends, who have been so faithful to Him, to experience many difficulties and suffering in their lives? Why and why??

But then… when I traced back how I have changed throughout the difficult period in the past, I realize how grateful I should be to God. I was feeling lonely and hurt by one of my closest friend sometime ago, and because of that, I started to turn to God and cried out my problems to Him. I was complaining a lot to Him about my other problems too. But it was after that time that I started learning to listen to His voice and found the peace that He always promises.

It was also since then, that I met more people, new friends, who let me experience God’s love that flowed through their care and attention to me. I also learnt to not just forget, but forgive the people who have hurt me or disappointed me in the past.

Would I be able to learn as much as I had if haven’t experience those problems? I guess not.

Even more, I found that these experiences actually helped me in helping my friends who are facing similar problem. Mother Teresa once mentioned in her letter, “If I ever become a saint – I will surely be one of darkness. I will continually be absent from Heaven – to light of those in darkness on earth.” God let Mother Teresa experienced suffering in her spiritual life so that she could understand the suffering of the poor and be a light for them.

So now, I realize that sometimes it takes more time to understand God’s plan in our lives. Life may seem to be so dark and as unclear as the smoke, but I believe that in every fire that He sends to burn our temporary happiness, there will be the smoke that will rescue us to the safe place and the light will surface to direct us to the safe place where we will find eternal happiness.

I just came back from the weekend retreat for LSCO’s LISS 2010 (woots many acronyms) and the experience was great! I feel like I’ve learnt so much once again and I wasn’t even a participant. Personally I think the Lord knows that I won’t learn under pressure, and so He caters to me by letting me learn while I’m “on the job” so that I’m pushed inspired to learn in order for me to help others learn.

I’ve joined the LISS service team as a prayer warrior. Basically, I’m supposed to pray. I pray for people’s intentions and for the intentions of my group. I pray for the intentions of the LISS in general as well. Most of the time, what I do in LISS is to pray. And this is God’s greatest gift to me in these few weeks – an opportunity to pray. He knows that if I were left to myself, I’d probably neglect prayer like 3-5 out of 7 days a week. So, He placed me in this position to learn about prayer and to commit to prayer. As I shared with the other prayer warriors, I don’t think this happened by chance, and I’m really grateful for this chance to do some self-improvement.

Anyways so a few people know that I started this blog as a resolution to come closer to God by reading the daily reading at least thrice a week and then posting up my refelctions on it. Only problem was my resolution tanked after like 2 weeks. Whoopiedoo. I must be the one person I know who has the strongest resolution.

Yet the Lord didn’t give up on me, and here I am writing once again. In this journey of LISS thus far, I’ve felt myself come to open up more easily to God. This isn’t something that’s easy for me, since I’m actually a very shy person (TRUTH) and I don’t enjoy public displays of anything. Yet now it comes more easily to me. Great and awesome is He, and I believe firmly that it is He who’s inspired me to become so “thick-skinned”. =P

Yesterday’s mass was so apt as a closure for the LISS weekend retreat. I mean, St. Paul told us that since we’ve been liberated by Christ, we should then stand firm and live by the Spirit to “keep” our freedom. I really felt that this was a strong reminder that each of us, in going through this LISS, should put in the effort to at least maintain ourselves to live in the Spirit. Otherwise, the whole experience would have gone to waste and will eventually just become a distant memory.

Then we come to today. Today’s actually supposed to be the Vigil mass for the feast of Sts. Peter and Paul, but I ended up reading the reading for Ordinary time instead. And it’s a good thing I did. Today’s reading serves as another reminder that it is important to live in the Spirit, as otherwise God might just decide to “smite” you (from Amos 2:13-16). It’s a bit more dark and horrifying as compared to yesterday’s reminder, but nevertheless it’s a strong reminder that we must maintain our spiritual life or risk distancing ourselves from God.

I think nothing sums up what we have to do like the quote below:

“Consider this, you who forget God, lest I rend you and there be no one to rescue you. He that offers me praise as a sacrifice glorifies me; and to him that goes the right way I will show the salvation of God.” – Psalm 50:22-23

If anyone is reading this, please know that I personally struggle greatly with discipline. I find it a chore at times to do daily prayer (and have foregone it at times), and I dread going for confession. Please continue to pray for me, that I may have the discipline like the rest of you to keep to this commitment of daily prayer (which I am restarting and will hopefully be able to keep to). Thanks!

I was reading a daily meditation two days ago when I found this prayer written by Eusebius of Caesarea, Bishop and Ecclesiastical Historian. This prayer is a prayer to practice The Golden Rule (CCC#1789)

I think I should pray this to God more often because sometimes it is not that easy when we are faced with difficult people in our daily life. Or maybe it is because I am, myself, can be a difficult person. But I believe that God will help me through this prayer.

“May I be no man’s enemy,
and may I be the friend of that
which is eternal and abides.

May I never quarrel with those nearest me:
and if I do, may I be reconciled quickly.

May I love, seek, and attain only that which is good.

May I wish for all men’s happiness and envy none.

May I never rejoice in the ill-fortune
of one who has wronged me.

When I have done or said what is wrong,
may I never wait for the rebuke of others,
but always rebuke myself until I make amends.

May I win no victory that harms either me or my opponent.

May I reconcile friends who are angry with one another.

May I never fail a friend who is in danger.

When visiting those in grief
may I be able
by gentle and healing words
to soften their pain.

May I respect myself.

May I always keep tame that which rages within me.

May I accustom myself to be gentle,
and never be angry with people because of circumstances.

May I never discuss who is wicked
and what wicked things he has done,
but know good men and follow in their footsteps.”

Last Saturday, I went to the SACCRE Pentecost Seminar at IHM Church. The speaker was Fr. Robert Faricy from USA. The topic was about discernment in the spirit. He taught us that in order to be able to know God’s will better, we must have a personal relationship with God. We have to spend time with Him to get to know Him better, just like how we spend our time with our beloved ones.

However, Fr. Faricy also mentioned that there will be obstacles in our relationship with Him. In life, there will be times when we enter the period of spiritual darkness. Sometimes, when we face problems or difficulties in our life, we may feel that God is very far from us. We may have spent our time praying hard, trying to figure out what He wants to tell us, but we may end up feeling nothing. We may also think that God has taken back the gifts that He has given to us. And these were exactly what I have felt ever since I answered His call to step up to be the coordinator of NTU CPG.

During these past few days, I barely felt anything special during my prayer. In the past, every time I went back from the adoration room, I normally would feel lifted up and empowered. However, during the past few days, my visit there did not gave me much…or sometimes, I just could not focus on Him because my mind would start travelling from one thing to another.

Even singing or listening to the praise and worship songs also did not help much. I attended some PW sessions, but I just couldn’t feel as high as what I used to feel. I kept asking myself, ‘what’s wrong with me?’ Or… Is it because the few small mistakes that the worship leader did? Is it because the music was off-beat?

Listening to His prompting has also becoming more and more difficult these days. I used to be able to use the gift of prophecy much more easily in the past. But what about now? I rarely heard Him speaking to me personally anymore.

I have been longing for His touch and the sense of peace that He often used previously to comfort my heart. However, again, I ended up feeling disappointed and questioned why God did this to me after I answered His calling. But last Saturday, Fr. Faricy helped me to understand why God let me experience all these.

Fr. Faricy said that this period of darkness is actually very common, especially to the people who have been with God for long…those people who pray a lot and are very close to God. These are the people that the Dark Knight (Satan) will target first, because they matter more to God. So why does God allow the Dark Knight to attack us? Why doesn’t He prevent the Dark Knight from coming into our lives?

It’s because God wants to purify us. God wants us to depend only on Him, not on our feeling alone or on the gifts that He has given to us. God wants us to grow stronger because we cannot stay as babies all the time. He wants us to know that Jesus sees us, even if we do not see Him. He wants us not to quit praying although we may not feel anything during our prayer because He is there, listening to our prayer.

So I realize that I should never give up on Him. I realize that what really matters is not about the gifts and the satisfaction that I can get from my prayer or from the PW session. Instead, I should focus on the Giver, Himself. I should trust Him and keep my faith in Him, knowing that He is always there for me and He does love me so much.

So I thank God for I am still surviving until now. And I also thank Him for the community that has been a great support and encouragement for me, preventing me from straying away from Him. Although sometimes I may not be able to see Him in me, at least I still see Him through the people around me. And this should be more than enough to ensure me that His presence is real in our lives.

Last Saturday, I came to Emmaus Prayer meeting and the topic in the prayer meeting was about Pentecost, which gives me a lot of insight of Pentecost. In the teaching session, Brother Oka shared that Pentecost is actually related to:

1. Harvest and Thanks giving

2. Ten commandments

3. Breath of Life (Ezekiel 37:1-14)

4. Unity

However in this note, I would like to share more on the Pentecost and Ten Comandments (from the book “Charismatic Spirituality” and affirmed by the teaching session)

So what is Pentecost? Pentecost means the 50th day. So in the old testament, 50 days after the passover was the day where God asked Moses to come to Mount Sinai, and there He showed His glory and gave the Ten commandments to Israel

and the glory of the LORD settled on Mount Sinai. For six days the cloud covered the mountain, and on the seventh day the LORD called to Moses from within the cloud.To the Israelites the glory of the LORD looked like a consuming fire on top of the mountain.” (Exodus 24:16-17)

However, after the Ten commandments were given to Israelites, they still sinned against God, they worshiped other gods, they did wicked things, etc. When people of Israel had strayed away from the covenant, God is still faithful to them, He sent His prophets to bring His people back to Him. One of the prophecies that He gave to people of Israel through prophets of Jeremiah.

This is the covenant I will make with the house of Israelafter that time,” declares the LORD.“I will put my law in their mindsand write it on their hearts.I will be their God,and they will be my people. (Jeremiah 31:33)

With this promise of God, the house of Israel waited until the time when God will put His law, not only in two tablets of stone, but in their hearts. And this has come to realization through Pentecost.

On Pentecost day, the same flame which signified God’s presence on the Mount Sinai, came forth and spread to each of the Apostles. And behold, this is the promise of God when the Holy spirit in form of flame was given to the apostles. This Holy Spirit is the one to carve God’s law in their heart.

In the talk, Brother Oka shared that from the moment He is baptized in the spirit, He started to desire to go to the mass, to receive theEucharist, to be holy, and to be like Christ and he said that this desire cannot be from himself. It is because of God’s work, Holy Spirit’s work, that He started to carve His law in Brother Oka’s heart.

This reminds us again to desire for the same Holy Spirit that He gave on the Pentecost day, to prepare our heart once again for the coming of the Holy Spirit in each and everyone of us.

Pentecost is still happening until now! and It’s not only for Israelites, but also for us!

Let us receive the Holy Spirit and let Him carve God’s law in our heart. Amen.

If someone were to ask you the three most important words in your life, what would it be?
For myself, I used to for the longest time treasure the three words “I love you”. I either gave or received these three words. It was my source of happiness and it gave me motivation to live.

Yet it dawned on me one day that these were just words. They were not only overrated, specifically they were superficial.

In a person’s face, I’ve said “I love you” but behind him I’ve been malicious and unkind. When the bad side of me surfaces, I feel the guilt. Yet it is wishful thinking on my part as the damage done is irreversible.

Thus I choose to live in the present, to abide by the realism of these three words “Pay it forward”

What I received in my life was evidently what I gave. Not by the words “I love you” but rather through concrete actions.

In your life, if you feel that you are always misunderstood, try to understand your opponents first. You may not get it right the first time, but you would be rewarded for trying because somebody would appreciate you and “Pay it forward”

Tommy has shared about Love v.s. fear emphasizing more on the fear.
To make it complete, I want to share about the love part :)

Tommy’s sharing reminded me on one homili being brought by Fr John Wong from SMOTA.
He shared that the opposite of love is not hatred; it is fear. Fear to love.
Fear anticipates love.

Most of the time we don’t love something/someone because we are afraid of being hurt, disappointed, humiliated…

I hate exam period because I am afraid of the load of study.
I had a nerd friend during my junior high school. He wore his socks up to his knee, which apparently looked funny in the eyes of my friends.So everyone kept mocking him. I was there, looking from afar, having my pity on him but not an inch I moved to embrace him. I hide my love (as a friend) to him because I was afraid my friends will also mock me.
I hate uncertainties because I have no control on them and they can end up in disappointments

When I reflect back, I realize that I hate something or fail to love something/one because of my fear.
Now that Tommy has shared how to conquer the fear, the love might not automatically emerge. I personally think that we need a big effort to love, truly love.

I read this amazing book about meaning of love according to Catholic Church, and this what I get.

How do you measure love?
When you are attracted to someone?
When you think that the best thing of your world is her/him?
When you miss her/him like crazy if you dont meet her/him for a day?
When you can’t help thinking of her/him all the time?
When you sacrifice everything to someone but when she/he refuses to sacrifice you are angry/feel cheated?
They are probably signs of love, but they are not love.
Love goes beyond ‘attracted,think,missing,feel’, love goes beyond mind and heart.
Love takes action and expects nothing back.
Love is to give all and accept all.

Don’t know how to love?
Ask God, ask Jesus! Because God is love (1 John 4:16)

Let’s learn from the Master.
God loves us, He gives everything to us, even the His only Son
Jesus loves us, He gives everything to us, even His life, His dignity, on the cross
God love us, He accept us the way we are.
He knows we are great sinners
He knows we are weak, yet He accepts us.

In relation with ‘fear’, come to my mind that God loves us with no fear. He keeps giving chance for us to repent and keeps giving forgiveness eventhough He knows that we could betray Him again with our sins.
Jesus has also loved us with no fear of suffering in His way to Calvary.

As we are asked to be more and more like Christ. We, too, are asked to love like the way He does.
I, myself, started this resolution of love by learning to love myself. I know I have weaknesses and had fell so many times into sins but I learn to forgive myself and encourage myself to raise up again, instead of burying myself in guilt.
Then I start to love God’s plan in my life. To give myself to be part of God’s wonderful plan to His people through service and accept His plan although His plans are different from mine. This part is actually related to Tommy’s sharing about surrender.
Then, I can start loving others. For me, if we have not loved ourselves or our lives yet, it will be so difficult for us to love others. It’s like we have not filled up our cup of love, so we cannot share love to others yet.

If love is so hard to do, why should we love?
For me, because I can’t imagine a life without love. I would only live for myself, my world only consists of me, myself, and I. How terribly empty woulld it be? Besides, love is the greatest commandment from God. We are called to love our God and one another as God has loved us (Matthew 22:37-39, John 15:12).
I personally also believe that love can conquer everything because I had seen how God’s love can conquer the gap between a King and sinners and conquer a painful death on the cross.

To conclude,
Love humbly, just like Jesus who is the King yet died like a criminal on the cross.
Love freely, free from fear and selfishness, just like Jesus who conquered the fear of suffering. He could escape from suffering, but He didn’t.
Love sincerely, expect nothing back, just like Jesus who is always with us even when we fail to love Him back.
When loving seems so hard, ask the Master.

Have a full cup of love! :)

Reference:
Love, Sex, and the Catholic Church by Thomas & Donna Finn